Water
by Higgy
Summary: Spike gets wet. Spike goes to Angel. Angel dries Spike. sound like fun?
1. is wet

Spike is soaked.  
  
Head to toe no kidding here soaked. Every inch of him is soaked. His hair is dripping down his face. His duster is drenched and trailing along the floor because he's taken off his beloved boots and is now short enough for it to do so. Said boots are held in his hands and he's just tipped them up to pour out the water. Jeans are flared at the bottom and nearly covering his feet but tight at the top. Tee shirt is plastered to his chest and is so old it's practically see through. Socks are sopping wet and leaving little puddles on my nice tiled floor when he pads through the lobby.  
  
Just what the hell did he do?  
  
He stands there. Right in the middle. Direct centre. My boy always wanted to be the centre of attention. He also makes quite an entrance don't you think? Dripping onto my floor. Little sod. He knows that'll annoy the hell out of me. I was always one for perfection and neatness. And he's just strolled in here like he owns the place and pissed me off immensely. Its times like this I wonder why I turned him.  
  
He spreads his arms and shows off his new look to me. No one else here but me. Guessing he knows that. He usually knows things he should not. He's not smiling or grinning or smirking that insane little smirk he's always had. Nope. He's simply standing there soaking with a pout on his face. Where the hell did he learn that?  
  
Think he's expecting me to do something. Maybe talk to him? Yell at him? Beat him? Stake him? I'm not moving. Why am I not shoving a stake up his ass right now? My feet won't move. Pretty sure they should when I want them to. So why aren't they? God this is weird. We've managed to stand here for a total of twelve minutes and forty three seconds without yelling at each other. Think that's a record. What's even more amazing is that Spike's not moved.  
  
That's weird. He always had to be moving. He's like a child. Always needs something to do. Something to keep him occupied while someone else dealt with the responsibility. It has always been like that. But he hasn't moved. Must really be waiting for me to do something then.  
  
Not moving.  
  
He looks down at himself then back at me. At least he's moving. Hey wait, so have I. Weird. I'm now sitting on the front desk in the lobby instead of standing in front of it. When did I jump up here? I blink and continue to watch him. He pouts some more and lowers his arms putting them behind his back. I watch as he lifts one of his feet and begins to trace wet little patterns with his big toe on my nice clean floor.  
  
"I got wet."  
  
I feel the need to applaud. Yet again Spike has taken the role of Captain Obvious in this little scenario. Okay now I really have to say something. Something smart. Something funny...Okay anything would be good in this situation.  
  
"You came all the way from Sunnydale to tell me this?"  
  
There see. Funny. Smart in the making an insult into a question sort of way. Okay who am I kidding? That sucked. I couldn't have just told him to piss off? No because that would make my life too easy. Now he's looking at the floor and still tracing those little patterns. Pout still plastered on his face. I swear he gets more and more like a kid every day. Wonder if he'll start a temper tantrum soon? Oh stop talking to yourself Angel Spike's making some form of communication. He just shook his head and continued watching his toe. Okay. More talk is needed.  
  
"What do you mean no? Why aren't you in Sunnydale Spike? Why are you here?" Whoops. That sounded growlier than I intended, and I'm pretty sure he just lowered his head more. Maybe Spike isn't in the best of moods for this. Then why is he here?  
  
"Demon was here. Killed it for Giles. Got wet." Good answer. At least I know he hasn't killed any of them. He can't and because he didn't lie. I can tell. It becomes an extra sense when you've known someone for their whole life. So the facts are. Spike is here. Spike killed a demon. Spike is wet. Right. Now why is he wet?  
  
"Why are you wet?" He's still watching his toe. Why? It's not the most interesting part of him surely? Wonder why he's like this? Spike's never subdued. You can tie him to a chair, beat him senseless, burn everything he holds dear and he'll still laugh at you. Trust me, I've tried it.  
  
"Demon had to be drowned. Took me over the bridge with it. Got wet." He's now said that three times. And I'm not annoyed. He seems too weak to be annoyed with. What could possibly have got him feeling so down? I've got to find out or it'll bug me for the rest of my unlife.  
  
"What's wrong Spike?" He's now looking straight at me with those piercing blue eyes. There used to be so much emotion hidden there. Now nothing. God what's happened to you my boy? I've moved over to him now and I'm barely a foot away. He's just leaned backwards out of my space. Something is wrong with him.  
  
"Nothing for you to concern yourself with Peaches." There's my nickname. There's my Spike. There's no venom in that voice at all. Now I'm worried. He shouldn't be talking like this. The real Spike would be smoking by now and flicking the ash deliberately onto my feet. I don't even think Spike has a cigarette on him. At least not one that's dry.  
  
"Spike. I want to know. What's wrong?" He's looking back at the floor again and I suddenly realise that he's shaking. Why's he shaking? Something is seriously wrong with him. Spike would never shake or show any sign of weakness against me. I taught him not to.  
  
"'M cold." He whispered still watching the floor. Not really aware of what I'm doing now, but I think I've got my hand to his forehead and I'm pretty sure my brain just registered that he is cold. Colder than vampire's usually are. I look down at him and watch a drop of water drip from his hair onto his nose. Down it travels to his chin where it pools up with three others before it silently plummets to the ground and makes a small 'plop' sound as it hits the tile. No wonder he's cold.  
  
"Let's go get you some dry clothes." He shakes his head and more droplets plummet downwards.  
  
"Haven't got any." He whispering again and I notice how now he's leaning towards me and not away like before. Before I know what I'm doing I've got my arms round his shoulders and I'm steering him towards the staircase. What am I doing? Someone please tell me.  
  
He's still dripping when we get to my room and the shivering is still going on. I've moved away to get some towels and clean clothes and he's standing awkwardly next to my bed. I've put the clothes on my bed and grabbed a towel. We've somehow come to a silent agreement that no talking is needed as I peel off his beloved duster and throw it outside to drape over the stairway railing.  
  
Starting with his head I'm now drying him off gently. When he was like this as a fledge I used to scrub so hard I'd almost rip off his scalp, but this is different and I don't meant the soul. He's sick and I need to look after him. It's part of the package when you're a Sire. The towel is becoming almost as wet as him, so it's been discarded and I've got another one.  
  
He's got his eyes screwed up as I work on his face like a child again. Always such a child my boy. The drips lessen as I work my way down and quickly check his ears are dry. Soon he's holding onto the tops of my arms to steady himself as I wipe at his cheeks and quickly redo his hair again. Soon his face and hair are dry and I have to move on again.  
  
I've lifted off his tee shirt and it's joined the towel from before as I begin work on his torso. He's still holding onto me but his eyes are open and watching me now. Watching as I rub small circles on his chest and mop up the wetness that I find. Move onto his arms now. Left one first. Start at the top and move down. Rub out the dampness and mop up the drops and smears of wetness left there. Move down the arm and go past the elbow down again to his hands. Work down them to the fingertips and make sure I catch all the water there.  
  
Back to his other arm now and it gets the same treatment as the other one until it's perfectly dry. Spike's still watching me. He isn't smiling or pouting now. He's just looking...dazed. Probably wondering why I'm doing this. Aren't we all?  
  
Back to his torso and under his arms now. He wriggles momentarily and I know it's because he's ticklish, although he'll never admit it to anyone. Soon we're back to watching as I go down to his stomach and catch the last few droplets there. Then he's stock still as I pause. Acting as if it didn't happen I gently turn him around and work on his back. He sighs slightly through the shivering and I know he's relieved that he has time to think of something to say. All too soon I'm down and we're back to the awkward pause.  
  
Acting as if I'd thought this through I reach around him and unbutton his too tight jeans so that he's still facing away from me. I know Spike and I know he doesn't wear underwear, so this is easier for both of us. Soon I'm helping him wriggle out of the jeans and letting him regain his balance that he lost momentarily. I've thrown his jeans into the wet pile and watch them plop on top of his shirt. I vaguely realise that I'm holding his hips to steady him and I let go. Soon I'm working again. Quickly over his buttocks and down to his thighs.  
  
It only takes a few minutes to do each leg. Sliding my hands up and down the smooth columns and catching the drips that are there. He's still shaking and he looks paler than usual. My poor boy. Soon his legs are done and I realise what a sight this must be. Spike standing in only his socks with me kneeling behind him drying him off. Yep, didn't think I'd be doing this today.  
  
I help him lift his leg so I can take off one sock and now I'm kneeling beside him so he can use my shoulders to steady himself. Quickly dry one foot so he can catch his balance then it's onto the next one. Soon that one's dry too and he's completely dry. Still a bit damp, but mostly dry. And still shivering. I sighed slightly and picked up the clothes I'd found for him. They were my smallest clothes yet they'll still be too big for him.  
  
He lifted a leg and I helped him into the sweats I'd found. One foot in, now the other. When he was balanced I pulled them up his legs from behind. Soon he was covered and I was able to move from my position on the floor. Taking the tee shirt I tried not to look at the way that my sweats were balanced on his too small hips like they were going to fall down at any second. Had he always been this small?  
  
I quickly recovered and was helping him get on the too big tee. He lifted his arms like a little kid and when I let go and the tee shirt settled he truly looked like one. He was still shivering and it was unnerving me. I don't like this. Something is seriously wrong with him. When he sat on my bed and I helped him put on the too big socks I felt him tense. I looked up from where I was rolling up the too long sweats and watched as he looked down on the bed.  
  
He was looking scared for some reason. I don't know why. Maybe the prospect of me in bed has too many bad endings? I don't know but he looked afraid. What's happened to you Spike? I sat on my side of the bed and pulled him next to me. He nuzzled into my chest and I felt him relax slightly. Pulling the duvet over us I let him snuggle into it.  
  
Soon the room was filled with purring and I had no idea when it had started. Was I loosing it in my old age or something? Obviously not. Because I soon worked it out.  
  
"You weren't in Sunnydale?"  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"There was no demon?"  
  
Another shake.  
  
"Why are you here?"  
  
"Got wet."  
  
#################  
  
Yes this is random. I know. I wrote it after partying at my sisters wedding in evil shoes for 8 hours. I'm sorry. I thought of it. I wrote it. Tis what Higgy's do. Luv Higgy. xxx 


	2. contains memories

I'm still awake. I've been lying here for the past six hours holding Spike as he whimpers and moans in his sleep. My poor boy keeps muttering things and he's not sleeping well. What's has happened to you my child? I mumble calming words into his ear and finger comb the curls on his head. I used to have hours of fun teasing William about his curls. When ever we were caught in the rain anywhere William used to moan more than the girls that his hair would go funny. And it always did. Still does.  
  
He's whimpering again and keeps nuzzling into my chest unconsciously. You'd be surprised if I told you how many times this has happened to us. Not the wet thing, but the positions we're in. My arm wrapped round and pulling him close while he snuggles up against my side and rests his head on my chest. The only time we're really close is when he's unconscious. He moves slightly and I smile as he does something I haven't seen him do in a century.  
  
Slowly his left arm curls on top of my chest and brings his hand dangerously close to his lips. I know what he's doing. One of my boys most guarded secrets is about to be shown. I've never told anyone else, simply because I like the idea that I know something others don't about Spike. I'm the only one who's ever been this close to him really. I suppose Dru had her fair share, but she could never really focus on something for more than a minute.  
  
Eventually he brings his thumb to his lips and begins sucking on it. I smile and brush his hair back from his eyes as he makes small contented noises. This was one of the signs that Spike felt safe and protected. He settles again and breathes in and out deeply. Spike has never been able to kick the habit of breathing. Once when he was a fledge, he got pushed in a river and practically drowned because he kept trying to breathe. He only succeeded in filling his lungs with water. I thought it was cute. Darla thought it was stupidity. Dru thought it was Miss Edith and that she'd have to be punished.  
  
Finally he's comfortable and I can think again. Not brood think.  
  
He's been here for nearly eight hours and I don't even know why he's here. Last time Giles called he said that Spike was doing well in Sunnydale. He had his own crypt and was helping them fight demons in exchange for blood and cigarettes. So first question to address was, why had he left?  
  
Spike had always been a creature for stability. Every time we made a nest he would take time to settle down and be happy there for a while. All too soon we had to move and he would pout and frown and keep asking why we had to move. I don't think that William ever got out of London in his human life. It must have made him so unsure of the big wide world when he became a vampire.  
  
He also always had to have company. My youngest childe could never go long without someone by his side. It began with me, and then Dru and Darla came and found us so we were a family. Spike's always craved a family. When I left the family broke apart and he clung to Dru because she was all he had left. Then when that twisted form of Angelus came back he was happy for a bout two days because we were a family again. However, the insane twat that is my alter ego, decided to try and steal Dru, thus ruining his evil reign.  
  
When Spike came back and I was there I could see what affect it had on him. He was happy. Going to Sunnydale to make Dru come back and finding me along the way. Kind of like looking for a fiver and finding a winning lottery ticket instead. Spike tried to hide it but I could see he wanted me to come with him when he left town. He practically said it when he explained how bad a relationship Buffy and I were having. My boy was never stupid. He never saw those things that any old fool could see, Spike always looked at the layers beneath.  
  
If I had been there when Spike had returned to Sunnydale to kill Buffy I could have predicted what would happen. Except for the chip part. I knew he'd settle down. He'd been to the town twice before and had stayed for nearly a year the first time. If he kept visiting it meant he liked the place. I also understand the fact that Sunnydale still carried an essence of family and me. It was inevitable that he'd make himself a home and make a group. I just didn't know it would be Buffy's.  
  
I can tell you why he went there. I'm stroking the hair and breathing the scent of the second most brutal vampire ever to exist and I'm saying that he was scared. When Spike or William was with me he always had someone protecting him. Someone stronger. That's what Buffy was. He might not like to admit it, but Buffy was Spike's substitute for a Sire. I wasn't there, nor was Dru, and the only person that comes remotely close to a vampire's strength was the slayer. So he got as close as he could without getting hurt himself.  
  
Now I'm happily lying with my boy and curling a lock of his hair round my finger while he sucks his thumb. We were some of the most feared killers in the whole of Europe at one point. Right now we're just playing happy families. He needs me; I know that, he knows that, Buffy probably knows that too. I still don't know why he's here and at the moment I don't care. He's smiling in his sleep and mumbling round his thumb, signifying that he's dreaming.  
  
I wonder what he's dreaming. When he was younger he used to dream of funny little things like being human again, he soon stopped when Darla beat him for it. It's a mystery what he dreams now. I guess know one's bothered to ask him in a while. When he was a fledge we used to stay up for hours while the girls were hunting, just talking. William used to believe that dreams were the wishes your heart makes while you sleep. I never used to believe his theory, but I listened none the less. He used to tell me all the time what he was dreaming, thinking, wanting, needing. I suppose if I asked him now he'd just walk away and give me the finger.  
  
He's my youngest childe. My baby. My precious bundle of violence and death. I missed him so much. I used to pine for my family when I ran with only the soul for company. I wanted Darla to beat me then leave me only to come running back. I wanted Penn to snarl and disobey me for being too artistic with my killing ways. I wanted Dru to make me look after Miss Edith while she did her hair. But most of all I wanted William to tell me of his dreams before falling asleep on my lap. I missed them all. Being a vampire you don't realise what loss really is.  
  
As a human the biggest loss you can suffer from is the loos of a life close to you. When you're undead you've already lived that part and everything will always be there. Your unlife is built of stable people you place around you for company and they wont go because they're vampires too. So the only way you can loose someone is if they leave. I left. William's life crumbled around him because one of the walls of his safety had gone. William turned into Spike and looked after the only wall he had left for a century before she left as well. All that time I loved him.  
  
I don't think he understands what kind of love I hold for him. It's more than father and son. It's more than just family. It's more than Sire and childe. Of course we have the blood bond that all bloodline vampires own, but what we have feels so much more. When Spike was upset about Dru, I could feel his sorrow. When he was wounded by the mob in Prague, I felt his pain. When he was happy because he killed the second slayer, I felt his excitement. And I revelled in it all. Just because I have a soul doesn't mean I don't want to kill and maim and torture every person that crosses me. It just means that I'd feel bad if I did so I refrain from it and stay calm.  
  
I'm sure that's the way Spike feels with his chip. I search his hairline for a sign that there really is a chip in there. I can't find anything but I know there should be some sign. Instead of Spike feeling bad, he feels pain. In a way it's even worse for him. Where as I make the choice not to kill, he purely can't. It's like having him in a constant muzzle. My poor precious boy. If I could take it out I would for him. Honestly.  
  
Yes I'd feel bad about letting a killer loose. Yes I'd feel guilty for letting him kill innocents. Yes I'd feel like staking myself for doing it. But I would never make him go through this again. Giles said he was fine, but I could hear through his lie. All stuffy and British he forgot that I hear more than just words. The man was lying and obviously did not want to be talking about Spike, but rather Buffy. For a watcher, he's pretty dumb really. I'd have thought he knew about the Sire/Childe bond but he had no idea. Spike had been feeling pretty down and I'd been depressed myself so I knew something was up. When he just turned up without even insulting me once, that's when I knew the bond hadn't lied.  
  
And of course it could have lied. We've been separated for the past hundred years it's a very rusty link we have nowadays. But right now I'm holding him and he's sucking his thumb and I'm purring just like the old days. I know I'll have to ask him questions when he wakes up. I know I'll probably ruin everything. I know he'll hate me again. But right now it feels like the past century hasn't happened. And I'm home.  
  
#########  
  
well? If you like then please review. If you don't then review and tell me why. I take all reviews as a gift and like to see how I can improve my fics in any way. Oh and also, this will become a slash fic so if you want to stop reading then I wont be offended. I know slash isn't everyone's cup of tea. Hope you enjoyed. Luv Higgy. xxx 


	3. cleans you

Spike POV  
  
Should I be freaked?  
  
I came here by my own accord. To tell my poof of a Sire to stop this. To stay out of my unlife and away from me for good. To stop appearing in my dreams and taunting me. To make him stop making me think these things that burn my head and scald my mind. I can't do this anymore and he shouldn't be doing it anyway so it has to stop.  
  
It has to be him doing it because I never wanted it. I mean it wasn't bad when we were running together but not now. I don't want these thoughts, these visions, and these pictures of him anymore. It's not like he even likes me. I mean I know he wouldn't kill me; it's hard to when you're a sire. But he should have done something. Anything just not this. It's wrong, really wrong.  
  
If it's wrong then why does it feel so right?  
  
Why was he even here? I mean this turned out nothing like I planned. I wanted to appear maybe trash his place, find his room, cry into his bed for a bit, before drying my eyes and going home. Back to rotten old Sunnyhell. What do I get? A face full of him watching me and making it crystal clear that he hates me more than ever. He always used to love playing mind games with me. this is his worst one. Completely confuses the hell out of me and I haven't been able to figure out the right way to make him stop.  
  
Him. I can't even say his name. God I'm pathetic. Can't even say the name of my own sire for fear. Fear that if I do then he might go again. Could you imagine it? Two master vampire like us, one with a soul, and the other with more emotions than he had when he was human. It's hard being me. I don't know which way to turn sometimes. It's like I'm surrounded by people that are going to hurt me and I can't stop going back. I've always needed someone to hurt me. Dru, Darla, Buffy, Scoobies and Him. See? Still can't say it.  
  
He shouldn't be like this. Looking after me. I shouldn't be like this either. I'm an emotional wreck. I come here with the plan to go within a day. Come here for one night, leave a note do the other things I've already said, and then piss off again. I always do. If I stay somewhere too long then I keep wanting to come back. It's a thing I do, I settle down. People always think of me as a vicious killer that made a hobby of going round Europe killing. Yeah I did, but I was made to move. If I'd had my way, we'd have stayed in London and drained it dry. Of course I was a fledgling so my opinion never mattered.  
  
I can't believe I'm laying here. Lying on his bed with him. This wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't meant to be here. He wasn't meant to clean me and dry me and clothe me in his clothes because mine were wet. He isn't supposed to be like this. I'm not meant to be like this. We're lying here together. He's purring and I'm sucking my thumb. Notice how I don't care admitting it when only he's here. He always thought I was cute. I thought it was safe.  
  
We always used to lie like this when we were together. All that time ago before the soul. We would lie down and talk. If we didn't talk we would sleep. If we didn't sleep we'd be hunting and wouldn't be near a bed anyway. Due to popular belief everyone thinks Dru sired me. Lie. He sired me. He sired me and I had him and he had me for five years before Darla turned up with Dru in tow. She had broken up with him for a bit and Dru had been a perfect shopping partner. So he went and found himself a small English idiot that he could mould into shape. Enter me.  
  
He used to read to me. I was crap at English when I was a kid and hadn't really bothered to learn it that well. Plus school was crap in those days anyway. I couldn't really read that well and he said he'd teach me. He did. You all thought I was poet when I was human didn't you? I was, but now you know why I was bloody awful. My handwriting was absolute bollocks as well. Looked like a spider has lost a leg and dragged itself across the page. He taught me that as well. Liam was an arse; my sire was one of the most educated men on the planet. And he taught me everything he knew just to see me smile.  
  
It began with us lying like this on his bed. He was playing with my hair and I was sucking my thumb. Then he got out a book and began reading to me. It was an old volume of some thing or other. I can't remember now, but he read it to me. I rested my head on his chest whilst looking at the pages. He'd follow the line with his finger and point out which word he was reading so I could hear every syllable sounded out. He'd read a few pages then ask me to read a paragraph. His finger would go along the page and I'd follow and sound out the words. When I got stuck he'd help and slowly go through it with me. I loved every second of it.  
  
It only took me a year to grasp every word in the English dictionary. That's when we began writing. We'd sit at a desk and he'd show me how to hold a pen correctly. It took about three weeks just to get my grip right, but he never yelled once. Just asked if I could remember and would hold the pen with me when I couldn't. It was harder for him because I'm left handed, but he soon got it. We'd sit for a while and make sure I could write a passage and read it back to him. Then we'd read for a bit before going back to writing. Soon I could write every word in the English dictionary and read it back to him. My writing soon matched his in practically every way.  
  
We're still lying here. I'm sill sucking my thumb, he's still purring. I don't want to move because I'll ruin the moment. I know he's awake, he always is. He doesn't know I am though. If this is so wrong then why aren't either of us moving? We're in his bed, he's holding me like he always used to, I'm playing the poor little fledgling and he's playing the caring sire. We're so used to this it's easy to forget he hates me. I know he hates me, but I wonder if he knows how much I love him. Not as a childe, not as a son, not as a mindless fledge, as William, as Spike, as me. When he left I didn't want to be called William anymore. That's what he called me. No one else deserved to say that name.  
  
We really shouldn't be doing this. What if someone comes in? What if he realises I'm awake. What if he suddenly remembers who I am? What if he kicks me out? What if he leaves me again? What if I'm alone? I don't think I could handle that. I've never been alone. I always had someone. Him, Dru, the Slayer and her minions...I've never been alone. I hope he doesn't move.  
  
But he has now. He's moving and I've tensed up. If he's going to hit me then I might as well be prepared. He's going to shove me off the bed, beat me into a bloody mess then throw me into the street so I can't move and have to wait for the sun to get me. Lovely way top end your unlife. Well come on then. Don't make me wait; let's get it over and done with. He's shifted slightly and I haven't moved. Hopefully if I stay like this he'll think I'm too cute to kill. I hope.  
  
Nothing. He's still shifting and he's lifted me slightly. Okay be cute. He's settled again and I'm a little further up his chest now, closer to his face. His arm is holding me and up and the other is reaching across to stroke my face. And I'm still sucking my thumb. I'm cute, I'm asleep, and I'm not going to give the game away. I can ignore the stroking fingers. I can pretend not to feel the breath on my face. I can hide form the eyes that I can feel watching me.  
  
It was his tongue that finally did me in.  
  
Not in the way you're thinking. He's not kissing me, god why would he do that? He's cleaning me. And still purring. Oh god he's cleaning me. He's only done this when I was scared out of my mind before. He's licking my forehead and purring like a bleedin cat. Oh god I love this. His tongue is moist but not wet. He's licking across my skin and over my eyelids. He's so gentle. I never want this to stop. The feel of his tongue stroking my cheeks and picking up all of the scent there so that only his is left. I can smell him all over me and I love it. His tongue is caressing my chin and he's purring. Oh god I feel so...I don't know but it's good. If he ever stops I'll kill him. I feel one of his hands coming to take my thumb from my mouth so he can continue on his way. I easily let my hand move away to rest on his chest while he carries on. Moving gently across my lips and licking them gently. I don't want to move, if I do he'll know I'm awake and he'll kill me. He's moving across now and to reach the other side he's rolling gently on top of me. He's not that heavy or maybe I'm too focused on his tongue to care. Oh god the tip of his tongue is tickling my earlobe now and it's taking all my strength not to wriggle from the sensations it's causing me. He's kneeling over me now and I can't move. I'm scared he'll notice and stop.  
  
Am I pathetic? Is it weak to want your sire, your father, and your god to show you some attention? Because I'm not moving, right now I'm getting practically all his attention and then some. He's moving down to my neck and I thank god I'm not wearing my tight tee or he wouldn't be able to reach that crease in my skin right there. Where he is now. Between my neck and my chest and he's lapping at my skin now. Stroking it with that powerful muscle and making me forget every word he ever taught me. God I love this. Please never stop. I could lie like this forever and a day. Moving round now, slipping his hands to hold my chin and stroke my face as he carries on. Okay, would it be wrong to say this is better than sex? 'Coz right now, that's what I'm thinking. I'm not hard or anything, nor's he, but this is intimate. This is as close as we've ever got and I never want him to stop. God never stop.  
  
But he does and I've just made a pathetic mew like a kitten taken from its mother's teat. I should stop this. Go home now and stake myself. I came to say stop it and I don't want him to. He's purring still and laid back to pull me until I'm practically lying on top of him. Do I care? No. Should I? Possibly. But I don't so sod off. I'm resting my head on his broad chest and I can hear the rumble of his purrs rattling that non-beating heart. It's a weird sensation but I like it. My hands have somehow managed to entangle their digits into his shirt and I'm clinging to him like my life depends on it. I feel like it does, it really does.  
  
This is so wrong feeling like this with him right here. But I don't care. He's knows I'm awake; I know I'm awake. Should really say something shouldn't I? Okay, here goes. Excuse me if my voice trembles, but I'm sure you'll understand if I say that my nerves are a wreck.  
  
"Angelus?"  
  
##########  
  
Don't ask. Just...don't ask. Review instead. 


	4. tastes nice

Seriously debating my sanity at the moment. I've just dried Spike off after he mysteriously appears in my hotel before giving him a tongue bath in my bed. The part that's freaking me out is that I enjoyed it all. Is it wrong to enjoy that? I mean I should be Angelus right now with the joy I just felt. He thinks I don't know he's awake, but I do. God I do. He's thinking something over. I can tell because his face does this cute little frown and his lips crease slightly at the edges.  
  
"Angelus?"  
  
Not sure yet boy. I don't feel like killing everyone yet but it takes a while so give me time. He sounded so lost. Like a child really. I'm lying happily with him still in my arms on top of my. He's smaller than me so I can feel his breath on my neck and top of my chest. I love this sensation. It's like a golden tingling that tickles down my spine and warms my body. Yes I know how stupid that sounded so sue me, that's what it's like.  
  
He feels different now that he's awake. He's tensed slightly and I notice how his thumb is far from his mouth now. No sense of security any more then. I'm holding him and I think I should let go. He obviously feels unsure of his position so I should really let him go and get his bearings. I let my arms slip from his waist and rest them by my sides. He's wriggled slightly and is now lying next to me, watching the ceiling. Looking anywhere but me. God what have I done.  
  
Congratulations Angel, you have now ruined whatever chance of rebuilding the trust between you. Good one. I mentally pat myself on the back and sigh. He shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be like this. We shouldn't be like this.  
  
There was a time when we were comfortable round each other. Honestly. We would sit for hours and talk about everything. He would smile at me and I'd tell him about being a vampire. He used to listen with interest and ask tonnes of questions. He was always an inquisitive boy. I used to answer truthfully because he hated it when I lied. I told him of the downsides of being immortal and he listened quietly until I'd finished. Then he'd ask more questions and I'd answer. I miss those times when we were comfortable round each other.  
  
Now all there is between us is time. A century of hate and loathing. It's not hard to see the hatred he has for me right now. He's watching the ceiling and playing with the hem of my shirt he's wearing. He's still thinking and I wonder if he's debating when to run for it. Spike always used to run when he didn't know what to do. I never taught him that one. He made that up himself. I think it settled in his head when I left them. I ran, and then Darla ran as well. I guess I had a small part in that one then. But he looks so lost. My poor boy.  
  
I should say something. Keep him calm and act normal. Act like I haven't been reminiscing over our time spent together and wish I was back then. It can't be so I should forget it and act like the souled bastard I am. God I hate doing this. But Spike needs it. Spike was always a vampire for consistency. When he was left alone he got lost and didn't know what to do. But I suppose he's comfortable with what he's got now, so I should let him go. Be his own vampire.  
  
But what should I say? I'm not Angelus I don't think. But he's worked that out because he's still here. If I was that soul-tortured idiot from three years ago he'd be bloody and on the floor. So I think the fact that I'm not Angelus is a given. So what should I say? Act normal. Right, I can do this. Calm voice and seem undaunted by the fact that he's still in your bed.  
  
"How are you feeling?" There. Short, simple and caring. He should be able to answer that without any real problems and we'll be okay. We can talk about why he's here. Because I've been here for a while now and I still don't know what's happened to him. He's lying there and he wont look at me. Why not? Oh right, because he hates me. Duh...I think I've been round Cordelia too much.  
  
"Fine." He whispers. God he's whispering. What happened to the loud-mouthed vampire who'd rather go running headfirst into a pack of watchers instead of sneaking round them? Yes he did do that once. Yes I was proud when he came home with only a cut from his fight. I was also immensely proud of the fact that the watchers in that group were searching for a potential. My lad had just stopped a little girl becoming our killer. I loved that vampire. Where's he gone?  
  
"You want some blood?" Please say yes. You look too thin Spike. Your hips are too prominent and I can nearly count your ribs from here. Please say yes. I'm making a plan in my head about what to do. If he says yes then we can go downstairs and have a mug of blood each. We can sit and talk about what's happened to him. I need to know. He's my childe I deserve to know.  
  
Oh good he's nodding. Not talking. Why's he not talking? I need him to talk. I can't work out what's wrong with him if he doesn't talk. Okay Angel calm down. Let's just get him downstairs at the moment and have some blood. That'll calm you down. Hopefully. I nod back and get out of the bed. Ow...okay maybe I should take this slow. Crick in the neck here from leaning on that headboard for so long. It doesn't matter. I'll be fine. Just get downstairs.  
  
I'm stretching now and he's still on my bed. He's sitting up and his hair's all mussed from sleeping. But he makes no move to fix it. I'm glad he looks cuter like that. Not so much like a vicious killer. But I never thought he was a vicious killer anyway so I guess my opinion doesn't really count. He looks more like my little uneducated, foolish fledgling like that. I slowly make my way to the door and he follows silently. I'm bare foot and I make small scuffling sounds as we make our way down the stairs into the kitchen. He shuffles along in my socks.  
  
As I put the blood into the mugs and into the microwave he sits at the table and I see how ridiculous he looks. Dressed in my huge clothes and hair in a mess that would rival a three years olds. My shirt is hanging off him and finished round his thigh instead of his waist. The sweats I clothed him in are trailing along the floor as he swings his legs like a kid. Always like a kid. The socks he's in seem too big as well and there's extra space at the end of his toes. His gaze has fallen to the table and he's making little patterns on the top of it. What has happened to you Spike?  
  
"Here." I hand him the blood and he accepts it quietly. Since when has he become so quiet? I hate this he shouldn't be like this. It's not natural. I hate the fact that I missed the initiative's downfall. I'd have loved to make them pay for what they've done to him. It's just a shame that the chip can't be removed. I'm sure he's tried. And if it were possible, Spike would have had it out by now.  
  
I drain half of my mug in one go whereas he sips tentatively. Sighing slightly I sit opposite him and he watches his finger make more patterns on the tabletop. He completely stinks of me. The clothes reek of my scent and I'm surprised he hasn't asked for his clothes back. He smells of me even more because of the tongue bath I gave him earlier. Did I mention how much I enjoyed that? He still tastes the same as last time. Of course there's the slight hint of leather a cigarettes, but he still has William's scent all over him. Trust me it's still my boy in there. For some reason he always smelt of strawberries and cream. I don't know why, he just does. And when I was cleaning him before, he still tasted of it. But I wont tell him that because he'll probably get embarrassed. He'd also be embarrassed if I told him I still loved that taste.  
  
I push my tongue to the roof of my mouth and I can still find his taste lingering there. I hope it never goes. It's a great smell to wake up to. It's a great taste to have. Hope it never goes. But it will. It always does. The blood washes it away and it's lost forever. It's times like this I wish I'd cleaned him more when we were alone. Before Darla and Dru found us. In those five years I washed him twice. I should have cleaned him more often, and then maybe the taste wouldn't fade.  
  
Right now he smells of me and I revel in it. It's like he's mine again. I always smelt weird. Sort of like a mixture between peaches and baking cake. That's where he got my nickname from after all. I guess he likes the peaches smell more. I must taste really weird though. But I'm a weird person anyway so it doesn't matter. Wonder if Spike would like what I taste like. I mean I like his, so it would be nice if he liked mine...Okay, time to stop dwelling on weird thoughts that will never happen. Time to speak again.  
  
"Why were you in L.A.? You already said you weren't in Sunnydale." He must have forgotten he said that because he looks confused. Now he's looking at the table again and thinking with his cute frown and crease at his lips.  
  
"I...I came to find you." And that was the last thing I expected him to say. He's just stumped me with that sentence. "Needed to tell you to...to stay away." He's whispering again and I don't know why. If he starts shaking I'm done for. Okay I need to stay calm. Why did he want to tell me that? I've been in L.A. and he's been in Sunnydale. How much more could I stay away?  
  
"I have." I answer. I'm not whispering. Maybe he wont anymore if I show some sort of control over the situation here.  
  
"No you haven't!" Oh God he's yelling. Take a step back and let him stand up. He's just thumped his fist on the table and the mugs of blood have rattled, his had spilt a little because the blood is near the top. He's barely eaten anything. Why? "You wont leave me alone! Stop using the bond and stop turning up in my dreams!" What?  
  
"Spike? Spike calm down." I'm using my calm voice now and he's listening thank God. "Listen to me. I haven't used the bond at all. That's just your dreams, not mine as well." He's looking confused again and is running his hands through his hair; it's practically standing on end now.  
  
"I...I don't understand." Neither do i. Look at you. You're a wreck Spike. Looking thin and tired and just...not you. "I don't want to dream of you anymore. It started when you left me and I went to find Dru. You keep turning up in my dreams and Dru said I wasn't demon enough for her so she left and I went to Sunnyhell to kill the slayer. Then I get chipped and the only person I see when I'm asleep is you. Why wont you stop it?" He's looking at me with desperate eyes and I don't know what he's asking. I can't answer that Spike because I don't know.  
  
"Spike?" He looks at me with those sullen eyes and I can't see Spike at all. I should have called him William. "Why were you wet when you got here?" He's shuffling his feet and I can barely hear his mumbling. Glad I have vampiric hearing right now.  
  
"Walked across town in the rain. Got wet." I shake my head and he's looking for the world like a lost puppy. He'd probably whimper if he wouldn't feel like an idiot. All right. His clothes are upstairs. If I can get them dry then he can be on his way and he can leave like he wants to. He doesn't want to be here, it's obvious. So I nod and tell him to drink more blood while I sort his clothes out. He nods again and sits down. Tracing more patterns on the table and looking more lost than when he first turned up here.  
  
Where has Spike gone?  
  
############  
  
I don't really like this chapter so sorry if it seems really off it's my fault because I don't quite know how to get from this to what I have planned. I know where this is going because it will be Spangel. But how to get to it is a problem. If anyone wants to cheer me up they could give me some ideas in reviews please. Thanks guys. Luv Higgy xxx. 


	5. has feelings

Spike's POV

I'm so stupid. Look at me. Sitting at the Poofter's table with a luke-warm half congealed mug of pig's blood. Can my unlife get any worse? I mean, as if being here wasn't hard enough, he asked me questions and for some stupid reason, I answered truthfully. I told him. See? I am so stupid. Congratulations Spike you have just ruined your unlife. Run into the stake now.

My fingers are tracing little patterns across the wooden surface. I find it funny that someone that's so self-protective like my sire would have wooden furniture. Anyone could just come in here, break and stake. Maybe that's what he wants. To wake up one day to find that someone's thrown a shard of desk in his chest because they thought he was Angelus. I could never do that.

I've tried to stake myself before you know. I was really going to go through with it. I was upset about Dru and Angelus being gone and everything. Then to add to my sucky unlife, the Scoobies had shacked me up with the Whelp. So yeah, I was depressed. And being the namby pamby little weakling I've always been, I decided to try and off myself. Didn't work as you can see.

Doesn't that just prove how shitty my life is? I can't even kill myself properly. Waste of space, that's me. So I guess I know what I'm going to be doing when I get home. I'll say cheerio to my big, brooding, huggable, sweet, sensitive, perfect sire before going home and greeting the dawn. Sounds like a plan. Good to have a plan. Can't stake myself, so I'll use the one thing that no one can stop to do it. Not even the slayer can stop me this time.

Wonder what he's doing out there. Probably gone to disinfect his bed or something. Get rid of all the Spike cooties or whatnot. But he's gone again. Not in the 'abandon me because of my soul' sense but gone, when we were getting on. Sort of. Well there was no real yelling. I know I yelled, but I was upset. I didn't want to yell but he made me.

He was acting all Sire like and I knew it was an act. How would you feel knowing that the one person that you keep having these feelings for and dreams about, is only pretending to like you. It hurts. Especially when you know that it's a trial for them to even be in the same room as you and not snap your neck. It hurts so much when I remember that part. When he left with that soul of his, it wouldn't have hurt so much if he'd not promised that he'd never leave. He swore to me he'd never leave. Two years later he did and I was left.

So to sum up how I'm feeling at this moment. I feel small, lost, alone, cold, scared and upset. I am bloody upset because I know that I'm going to have to leave. But that's not the biggest thing that's upsetting me. The part that really hurts, is knowing that he won't ask me to stay. Not once will he ask me to stop. Wait. Listen. Don't go. Stay with me. Please don't leave.

I said all of those to him when he was packing the first time. Well, I didn't so much say as sob. I was crying my eyes out so badly that evening when he left. Just once I'd like to hear him say something like that to me. Once. Is that too much to ask?

Fuck it. Time to stop living in the past and get on with it. Not gonna get dusted sitting here am I? Well, not since Angel suddenly began liking me. Right. I'm going to try and drink a bit more before finding him and telling him bye. At some point during that I will find me clothes, get dressed before walking out through that door. It's raining again. Guess I'll get wet on my way back to Sunnyhell wont I? Not like it matters.

Right. I'm up and moving. Throw the rest of the now cold blood down the sink and rinse my mug out. Turns out I didn't eat anything else. Haven't been eating much lately anyway. Bit thinner than usual, but it doesn't matter. When will I learn that I don't matter? So yeah I'm being homey and cleaning up after myself. Putting the mug to drip dry on the side. I'm homey but I'm not that well trained. Peaches can do his own drying up. We got that rule sorted ages ago. I wash he dries. Always worked that way, always will.

So yeah I'm done now. Walking away from the little kitchen thing into the main foyer of this poxy hotel. My Sire always needed a big place to live. I never complained. Turns out you can have a killer game of footy inside if your house is big enough. But now I'm on my own, I make do with my little run down crypt.

I'm walking up the stairs now. Smelling him out. Unique scent of Peaches is, surprise surprise, peaches. And a little of cooking cake, but more peaches then anything else. I follow the scent like a lost puppy and find myself outside his room again. Don't even bother to knock, just walk straight in.

My duster's hanging on the back of the door completely dry now. My boots look a little worse for wear but still wearable. Can't see my shirt or jeans though. Guess they're with my sire through the door into the bathroom. That's where I go. Lean in the doorway so not to disturb him. Of course, if I was feeling a little better and more like myself I would have yelled at him and ripped my clothes away before leaving immediately.

Sitting on the toilet is my sire. Sitting with his froofy hair and holding my clothes in his hands. But instead of checking they were dry like any normal person, he's got them pressed to his face. He's smelling my shirt and jeans and socks. Why? Nothing new there sire. Same shirt I was wearing sixty years ago when he last saw me. Same one I'm going to die in a few hours from now. What's the big deal? He's sniffing it and smiling like it's the most precious bloody thing to him in the world. Knew Dru wasn't the only insane one.

I'd better stop him before he does something really crazy. I cough loudly and he's looking at me like a rabbit caught in the headlights. I smile slightly and gesture to the clothes in his hands. "They dry?" He nods and hands them to me.

"Get dressed then you can leave."

You know you have those parts of you that tell you not to do the stupid things? Like a little voice that's been telling me not to go and fry myself? Well my little voice has always been quieter than most peoples, but now it's become mute. Okay, it's possibly been shot, stabbed, gutted and left to die. And I think the tiny part of me that felt wanted has just joined it.

It's not him leaving this time. At least I had no control over that. I had to deal because I was left. This time, I'm being forced to leave. I have to leave. I know I was going to leave anyway, but he didn't have to say it. Out loud it seems so...so real. So final and true. So now I'm the one leaving. I'm the evil one that's abandoning the other. Well fine. He wants me gone I'll go.

Snatch the clothes away and fold my arms. I seem to be becoming more defensive since the chip was implanted. Yep, that's me. Big fluffy puppy with bad teeth. I think he takes the hint because he's soon left and I've locked the door behind me. Bastard!

###

I'm changed. I'm ready to go. I'm so ready I'm downstairs in the lobby and preparing myself to walk back outside into the storm that's now decided to take place. I ready and raring. And also waiting for my sire to come down and say goodbye.

I'm that pathetic. I need him to say goodbye. I'm like a child. One of those kids you see going to their first day of school and they wont go until their mum has said goodbye and given them a kiss. I need him to say goodbye. If this is the last time I get to see him then I'm going to say goodbye.

I'm waiting. Waiting. Still waiting. Nothing. Where the bloody hell is he? I've been standing here like a lemon for the past...two minutes and he hasn't appeared. How can he expect me to stay still for so long? He knows I can't stand still. I'm always fidgeting and shuffling around. Otherwise I get bored. He knows this, so why is he taking so long? He said he'd be back in a second. Well it's now 120 seconds later and he's still not here. Bloody hell.

Tapping my foot now. See? I really can't stand still. It used to piss him off like crazy. He'd be teaching me the stealth part of being a vampire and before the couple we were going for had even stopped smocking, I was there. Did he honestly expect me to stand in the shadows and watch them get more action then I ever did whilst human? Silly bugger, I cannot...

"Stand still."

Oh, he's here now and my stomach's just done that weird flippy thing. Like it does before you go on stage for the first time. Butterflies in my stomach. Why? Because, he's here. My foot stops tapping against the tiles and I look down to avoid his eyes. Can't have him seeing me so nervous about saying goodbye now can I? He's walking casually towards me now. Bet you all he's thinking is that I'll be gone soon. Lucky him. All I'm thinking is how close he's getting.

Why is he getting so close?

"Are you ready to go?" See? All he can talk about is getting rid of me. All he can think off is getting me out of his life. I'm not wanted. I'm not wanted by anybody. Never was. My dad left my mum when I was a baby because I wasn't meant to happen. My mum was always trying to get me married off to someone. Angelus even left to get rid of me. Dru was only too happy to find a chaos demon to shag instead of me. Buffy and her gang of misfits don't really count...but they don't care either. Do you see any one of them trying to find me? Nope. Never been wanted in my life. Or unlife. Ever.

He watches me nod my head and then nods back. Real conversationalists aren't we? Was easier if we're fighting. But I don't have the energy to fight. Need all the strength I have to get home and greet the sun. Right okay. Clear my throat and prepare myself. Gonna be normal and casual. See ya round Peaches. That'll do. Okay. Deep breath now...

"I...I probably should..."

Oh well done Spike. That was so casual wasn't it? Can I help it though? My stomach's flipping and my throat's dry and my voice is all breathy and he's so close now. So close to me. His hair's lighter if you stand here and see it. Not so froofy from this angle. Wanna touch it...NO! What the hell? Okay calm down. Just don't think about how he's gotten really close now. So close that I can feel the nonexistent breath not touching my face. Should go. Should defiantly go now. Can't move.

He's right in my face now and I can't look away. My eyes are stuck on his lips. Wonder what they'd feel like...what the hell is wrong with me? Lick my lips and go to pull away. Got to get away before I do something stupid. Well I would move if he lets go off my arms and stops looking at me like some sort of hungry animal. God Angel when did your eyes become so intense? There's emotion there I don't understand. Can't understand why he's holding my arms so tight and licking his lips whilst pulling me closer either. Who cares? Close my eyes and wait it out. I probably look like a right idiot. Standing here in my sire's arms so close to him. Almost like he's going to...

Shit!

I pull away fast and shove his arms away. What the hell was that all about? I'm panting. God I'm shaken up now. Can barely stay on my feet I'm so...well I don't know what because I'm confused and I think straight right now. Okay drag my eyes away from the interesting tiled floor and look over at my sire. He's just watching me with those eyes. He's not smiling or anything. Just...watching. Gotta go. Gotta go now.

Back towards the door and he doesn't follow. Thank god. I'll think about this when I'm watching the sun tomorrow. Then I can die confused and alone. Like it was meant to be.

################

Oh...nearly a kiss! Darn them for stopping! I needed some slash there...but oh well. I can't exactly force them together can I? Can I? Oh...evil nasty slashy thoughts... you want to review and make me put them together? I promise some slashiness next time peeps. Thank you to everyone who reviewed. You are the foundations on which we writers build our lives...and fics...

Luv Higgy xxx


	6. needs help

Angel's POV

He's gone.

Left me alone again. Every time we seem to be getting along one of us leaves. It's like a curse we have. Set in stone that one of us will leave when we're getting along. He's walked through that door and into the storm, leaving me to stand here alone in the hotel lobby.

I defiantly need some time to think. Who am I kidding? I need time to brood. It's funny. You'd have thought that most of my time brooding would be spent over Buffy, Angelus and the hundreds upon hundreds of innocent people I killed over my years as a vampire. Well...nearly. I do think about people I killed. Okay person I killed. I think about the sniffling poet I found in a barn and killed just so I could get to know him better.

Am I pathetic? I spend my time brooding, thinking, dreaming, fantasising about this one person that I killed over a century ago and is now walking the earth being a constant pain in my arse. And I love every second of it.

Sometimes I think of the times we spent together. I never regretted an instant. I know for a fact that he didn't either. Why would he? The first five years of his unlife was just he and I. Together. We did a lot of things together during that time, but not once did we sleep together. I mean we slept together of course. In the same bed but we never, ever got intimate. Except that one time...but apart from that, never. And plus we were really drunk that night.

And now he's out there. He's walking along some trashy L.A. street getting soaked by the pouring rain that's falling in stair rods. He's probably wrapped that duster of his round his body and is trying to keep the water from soaking him. Bet his feet are wet. His Docs are so worn the tops are worn paper-thin and the soles have holes in them. So he's probably trying to avoid puddles.

The rain's hitting the windows of the hotel and causing them to shake at the sheer force. It's a true storm tonight. Just like when he appeared. Just like when I left. Just like when he's leaving. He's probably soaked right through now. Rain dripping from his nose and falling onto those full lips of his. And I bet he's muttering curses and snarling at the cars that splash him on their way past.

He's most likely wet again. He'll have to dry off before going back to Sunnydale. Or he'll be even more pissed off. He always gets stressy when he's wet. But he wasn't earlier...wonder why.

I miss him. Despite what everyone says, I am still a vampire and I still want to kill. I just don't because I'd feel bad. Bt when I was with William...I don't feel bad. I feel happy remembering the moments we used to chase each other down the streets whilst boring humans would tut and discuss the behaviour of adults being unseemly. When William was turned he was just as much a child as he was in life. Being dead just awakened it more. No more moping about Cecily for eternally young Will. As soon as he'd fed for the first time, he punched my arm yelled, "You're it" and ran off down the street laughing his head off.

Of course I followed not wanting to loose my new baby. Being a new fledge, Will was only fast by human standards. To me he was barely at a jogging pace. So I soon caught up with him and grabbed him by the arms. I shook him a few times and began yelling at him in the middle of the street for running away from me. Seriously, back then it was like loosing a toddler in a supermarket. The only problem is, no one has a problem with hitting a full-grown man in the face for running about like a loony. Luckily I found him before he could find any trouble.

After the yelling and the near heart attack he gave me, I pulled him to me and could feel my sense of relief that my baby was safe. I'd barely known the beautiful boy for five minutes and I was already worried about loosing him. After my parent like act, William had looked up at me, still in my arms, and smiled. Merely saying "Was only playing." Those five or ten minutes were the reason I didn't let him move any more than four feet away from me for the first five years of his unlife.

A smash of thunder brought me out of my brood and made me turn towards the door. He's out there right now. My child like...childe is out there soaking wet and probably trying to catch a lift somewhere. I should help him. I'm his sire. I'm responsible for him. I taught him everything he knows and then some. He needs me. I should go.

So I do. I grab my duster and move towards the door. Towards the rain. Towards my childe. My boy. My precious bundle of violence, death, peroxide, leather, smoke and a bad attitude. Towards Spike. But most importantly. Towards William.

I'm trying to follow his scent. It's hard with the rain banging on my head and running into my eyes. But I'm a master vampire and I will find my baby boy if it kills me...again.

He came this way. I can smell him. But the scent is going all over the street like he was staggering or something. Possible drunk but there's no smell of alcohol round here. Maybe he's hurt? But there's no blood... I don't know. But he's staggering round L.A. that is full of nasty humans that he can't hurt. I have to find him. Now.

So I'm sniffing round like a dog in heat searching for a mate. I bet I look like a right idiot, but if that's what it takes to find him then I'll do it. He needs me and I'm not there. So I have to find him and sort him out.

The scent is getting stronger, meaning I'm getting nearer. Hopefully I'll still be able to catch up with him. I turn a corner and find him. Well not just him. There are four humans with him. One of them being Gunn. The other three being from his 'crew' or whatever they call themselves.

"Yo Angel!" his co-worker yelled and ran over to the distraught vampire. Angel had begun running towards them as soon as he realised there were humans holding up his childe. His face had unwillingly changed into his vampire visage and he was about to snarl at the humans for touching his boy, when Gunn spoke again.

"We found this guy just lying on the street. He was unconscious when we found him and we thought there had been an attack. So we helped him and the first thing he said was your name. So we figured we'd bring him to you."

I sigh in relief as I see the sincerity in Gunn's eyes. He means it. They weren't going to stake him. They were going to bring him to me. Thank whatever god that listens to vampires. Spike's barely conscious when I reach him and I quickly catch him as he falls forward trying to reach me. My hands are under his arms much like you hold a toddler and I don't think he's aware that he's meant to be trying to stand.

Gunn's beside me and mentioning about getting out of the rain. Good plan, but Spike's in no condition to walk. My friend walks away from me and towards his friends. I hear a brief discussion and a farewell before Gunn's beside me again and we three are alone in the alleyway where I found them.

"Angel he's pretty out of it. We should get him back to the hotel." He's right. I nod and shift my grip slightly so that Spike's head isn't lolling around quite so much as before. Spike's eyes keep drifting shut and I'm trying to get him to stay conscious. "I'll go ahead and get the first aid ready man." And before I know it, he's gone. I'm left here holding my childe and trying to figure out how to get him there.

"Spike?" I'm whispering in case his head hurts. Whatever gang knocked him out in a storm, I'm going to find them and rip out their intestines. Soul or no soul, no one does this to my boy. "Spike? Come on now, you have to walk for a bit." I get a strangled groan in reply. I guess he's not up to walking just yet. "Please my boy?" Maybe, just maybe he'll listen...

No, he hasn't made any attempt to steady himself. It's no good. I lean down gently and change the positions of my hands. Soon I have Spike in my arms and I'm walking back in the direction I came from. He's so much lighter than before. There's barely anything on him. He's all skin and bones. What's happened to my boy?

I'm carrying a corpse to me hotel. I need him to wake up and tell me what's happened to him. Not just about tonight but since before then. He's skinny and lost a lot of weight and that doesn't happen in a few days. That takes time. Spike's moaning against my chest and I shake him slightly to keep him in the barely conscious state he's in. He needs to stay awake.

"It's okay Spike. Sire's got you." I whisper quietly to him. He's shaking again and he's soaked as well. So am i. I'll have to let him borrow some of my clothes again to warm him up. He's moaning and making small nearly sobbing sounds from his mouth. My poor baby. What's happened to you? "I need you to stay awake for me." I whisper as I see the Hyperion in the distance. "Can you do that?" He whimpers and I can feel him draining out again. "It's okay precious. Daddy's got you."

By the time I reach the Hyperion's stone steps, he's just able to keep his eyes open but can no longer make any noise. It doesn't matter as long as he's awake. I don't want him going into a coma. He seems like he was ready to do that when I got there. Vampires can't die from lack of blood, but they can feel pretty crap forever. We can also go mad from the hunger.

He's no longer fidgeting, but is lying still in my arms. His hazy blue eyes are going in and out of focus and I'm trying to keep him aware of what's happening. Before I know it, I'm in our offices and not only Gunn, but the whole team is there. Cordelia, Wesley, Fred and Spike's saviour from earlier are bustling round the place with assorted medical equipment.

As soon as I'm in the door, Gunn's by my side and helping me lower my boy onto the couch. Spike doesn't make a sound but he's trying to keep his eyes on me at all times. What the hell has done this to my boy? I need to know. "Angel?" Cordy's by my side and staring down at the blond on the couch. "What's Spike doing here?"

I don't know. He was leaving and I didn't want him to. So I went to find him after we almost kissed and he was hurt. So I brought him here and we have to help him. "I...I...He...I...we...um...there...uh..." notice how much I don't know because he's in pain and hurting and we aren't doing a thing about it!

"Some guys from my crew found him. He was beat up in an alley and when he came to for a while he asked for Angel. So we were about to bring him here when tall dark and brooding turned up." Gunn's come to my rescue thank god. Spike's shaking and before I know it I'm on my knees beside him stroking his hair and muttering into his ear.

Fred's doing the right thing and checking him over while I stroke his hair and the hand I've picked up in my own. My thumb is moving over the too prominent knuckles and massaging them gently in an overly reassuring way. I'm sure it hasn't gone unnoticed by my staff but I don't care.

"This is William the Bloody?" Oh shit. Wesley's doing watcher talk and I swear he's got a stake. Before I can stop myself I turn to him in full vamp face and snarl at the threat to my childe. The ex-watcher gasps and I hear the stake clatter to the ground before coming to a rest. I don't care if I look like a killer. They can call me Angelus; they can put a stake to my heart, they can surround me with flamethrowers for all I care. But it can wait until after my childe is well.

"Okay Angel. Let's get Spike better." Shit did I say that out loud? Guess so, because Wesley looks like he's on the verge of wetting himself, Cordy's doing as I ordered knowing not to mess with me, Gunn's giving me wary looks whilst heating blood and Fred's paying rapt attention to Spike's dilated pupils. And me? I'm resting my head next to Spike's and letting him get lost in the familiar scents of sire to stop him shaking and keep him calm.

"I don't think it's just the dire blood loss that's made Spike like this." Fred's talking to me and I find that I can't tear my eyes away from the clouded over ones of my childe. But I can hear her perfectly. "It played a part on him staying down, but I guess that he suffered some sort of trauma first. His pupils are dilated more than usual and there's a slow reaction to when light conditions are changed." ...What?

"So some blood should make him better right?" Gunn's simplifying everything for me. Good man. He's just come back in with a mug of warm blood and is handing it to me. Guess I'm on feeding Spike duty. I place the mug on the side and go to sit and rest Spike against me. He can't sit up and he'll need a lot of help right now. I manage to prop him against me and keep him there with one arm, whilst bringing to mug to his lips with the other. He's not responding.

His eyes are practically shut aside from the small slits of blue I can see still trying to watch me. "It's okay Will. It's me. It's Sire, you have to eat now." His eyes can't quite focus and he's having trouble keeping his eyes open. He needs this blood now! "Will come on now. Drink for sire." I let the blood brush against his lips and he doesn't even try to lick it off. I swear inwardly and put the mug down. He doesn't need this pig's blood shit. He needs my blood. Sire's blood.

Carefully I pierce my wrist and hold it to his lips. His eyes don't even flicker. I need him to respond. I need him to hear me. I look up and see his eyes are fully closed again. All right this isn't working. My friends are saying something but I can't hear them. Spike's shaking with the cold and he's slowly starving to madness. I can't let that happen.

Within a few seconds he's in my arms again and I'm storming up the stairs back to my room. My colleagues have followed and are dithering in the doorway like idiots. They don't understand. They can never understand. Spike needs me. If I can just get him to swallow a few drops then that'll be enough to pull him through to tomorrow. I lay him on my bed and he's still shaking with the cold. Soon I get his duster, boots, socks and shirt off. I only leave on the jeans because I think Spike would murder me if I stripped him in front of my friends. I wrap him gently in my duvet and sit behind him. I have to let him feed.

I look up and find them all looking questioningly at me. I'm still in vamp face, I haven't changed back the whole time and I think they're worried. I nod towards the door. Wesley takes the hint and grabs Cordy and Fred's wrists to take them back downstairs. Gunn follows obediently, but I think only Wesley understand what I have to do.

It's been over a century since I've touched Spike with anything other than force (earlier on not included). I wanted to let him know what he meant to me earlier this evening but he left before I could. But if this is the only way I can get him to feed then so be it.

I gently lower my lips to his and stroke my tongue along his lower lip. He doesn't so much as move so I do it again with a little more force. Please Spike react for Sire. Licking further I move onto his top lip and suck slightly to pull some of his blood back they so he can feel them. I feel the tiniest twitch of movement so I slowly repeat the actions again. He's in a state of unconsciousness still and he's not aware of what he's doing, but he's moving his lips slightly to move against mine. Thank god.

I move a hand to caress his face and carry on massaging his lips with mine. I can feel the blood between my lips and I know that he will be able to manage now. Dragging my fingers across his smooth cheekbones I slowly move down his jaw and slip my tongue inside to awaken the rest of his mouth. Rubbing my tongue slowly up and down his I can feel the muscle react to push against mine. Before I know it, Spike is suckling on my lip whilst I make sure the rest of his mouth is in a fit state to continue.

Pulling away slightly I feel his mouth continue to try and find mine to cling to. Finally his body is reacting the way I need it to. Scratching off the small scabs that had formed over my earlier bites to my wrist I pinch the skin surrounding them to get more blood and create a bigger gash. Slowly pulling back further I let Spike's mouth continue working away. Without a moment's hesitation, I pull away completely and take a small mouthful of blood from my wrist before fastening my lips back to those of my childe. His Lips suck on mine and I work my tongue into his mouth so he can collect more of the nourishment he needs.

Happy that he's got some blood in his mouth I pull back again and replace my lips with my wrist. As he continues his suckling on my wrist as before with my tongue, I move my lips to his neck and begin massaging it gently. If Spike is unconscious and hasn't fed for a while, it is likely he'll need some help with swallowing. Slowly he accepts that my lips aren't coming back and fastens fully onto my wrist. I feel him pull the blood from my system and lap at his neck to help the muscles there work as well.

He responds as well as I can hope him to and is soon pulling full mouthfuls of blood into his parched system. Three mouthfuls, four, then a fifth and he's still going strong. I sigh and continue to stroke his face with my fingers and his neck with my tongue as he feeds. After the tenth gulp I pull back my wrist and help him swallow the last few drops as he chokes on them. He's not awake yet and he needs his rest. So pull away and quickly pull off the duvet before redressing him in another pair of my sweats and not in his jeans.

Before long, the duvet is wrapped round his fragile body and he's stopped shaking finally. I sigh and press a gentle kiss to his forehead after wiping away the traces of blood. He looks so small, but I know I can't stay with him just now. My colleagues deserve some explanation and I should give it to them. I carefully move his arm and make sure his searching lips are plugged with his left thumb before leaving him to get some rest.

#':;?/!£$%&(){}][=-

Wow, extra long chappy there kids. That wasn't the first kiss I had planned for them, but since Spike wasn't conscious I don't think it counts so much...well then they'll just have to have another one then wont they? I know it wasn't THAT slashy, but I don't want them to suddenly have sex and that be the end. I need them to build it up slowly so I can explore what they're feelings. This is my first slash fic and I want it to be right. If you want to know just why Spike was collapsed (I think I made it clear that the blood loss just helped that along but wasn't the cause) then you'll have to review. Because more reviews makes a happy Higgy. And a happy Higgy writes more fics faster.


	7. explains

Angel's POV

I've just fed my childe. I've just fed my childe for the first time in roughly a century. I've just fed my childe for the first time in roughly a century and now he's asleep in my bed sucking his thumb. But I'm down here.

I'm downstairs watching as Cordelia yells things to me and I don't listen. She's screaming at me and I just don't care. Something about evilness and blood and death and her getting run through with a spike. I don't care. My boy's all alone upstairs sleeping peacefully and I'm down here.

I'm pretty sure I could have told you how my friends would have reacted. I knew Cordy would be awful. She knew Spike before now and she has experience with him in the killing fields. She understands what he is capable of and how much pain he can cause. But she doesn't know about the chip. Or that she didn't just see Spike; it was William. My William.

Wesley is being a typical watcher and writing notes on my behaviour. I can tell because I know the exact movement needed to write the word 'Angel' on a piece of paper. He's chewing his pen and running a hand through his dishevelled hair. He looks like he's debating what exactly to write. It must be hard being fired from what you've worked your whole life for.

Gunn is pacing round the lobby floor and giving me weird looks. He's asking me something about 'that guy' but I'm not really listening. Would you be? Spike's upstairs and all alone. He needs me. It's taken a century of solitude, but he needs me. Poor Gunn. No gang to running to any more. His friends have gone and he's stuck here for the night.

Poor little Fred is playing the scientist. It's easier for her to find something to do and stick to it. She found out she was smarter than even Wesley at science and now she's writing things down and mumbling to herself about a theory of something or someone. As long as she's not writing on the walls of her room I'm not bothered.

William is upstairs in my bed. He's breathing. He always breathes when he sleeps. I don't know why he does that but he does. And it's very very sweet. My poor little creation is asleep upstairs whilst my co-workers yell and scream and try to make me listen to their pathetic pieces of conversation and words that will crumble away. That's all they'll do. Crumble away. One day, every one of them is going to stop breathing, go cold and die. And I'll only have William left.

So I should listen. And I do. But only while they're here.

"Spike? Angel have you gone evil again?" Cordy's gone bright red and is pointing an accusing finger in my direction. She's been ranting for a good few minutes by now, and I'm sure it's not going to stop any time soon. So listen like a good vampire. "He's evil. He's not like you. He'll kill all of us in the blink of an eye and then he'll torture you for a bit before staking your brooding ass!"

Wrong again princess. He'll never stake me. He's not allowed. One of the most respected rules in vampire lore. Sires are not allowed to be staked. You can torture them, hit them, hurt them, leave them paralysed before opening the window, but you cannot stake them. I know that leaving them in the sun will cause them to combust, but so long as you don't ram a piece of jagged wood through their heart then you're not breaking the lore. Stupid really isn't it? Why'd you think I was officially struck from the clan after dear Darla departed?

"And then we'll all be dead and he'll be laughing his bleached butt off whilst rolling around in your ashes and our blood. Why aren't you staking him Angel? He's all defenceless and just laying there and helpless!"

"Angel Investigations we help the helpless." Gunn answered from where he was pacing. I'm not sure if that was a joke or a way to calm Cordy down. I'm not sure of lots of things right now. Maybe I should just go hold him.

"William the bloody is never helpless." Poxy watchers' council makes itself present again. "He's a vicious killer. One of the most feared vampires of all time. Only second to..."

"Me."

Yeah I spoke. Wesley looks up from his books and paper and gives me a wary glance. He thinks I'm evil. They all think I'm evil. But if I were, they'd all be hanging upside down from the ceiling with their intestines falling below them as I writhed on the floor bathing in their blood. Just for the sheer hell of it. So I don't think I'm evil quite yet.

And yes, I did do that before. William was with me.

"What are you suggesting Gunn?" Wesley's continuing as if I hadn't spoken. "That we help a killer?"

"Why not? We work for one." Good man. I like it. A very witty thing to say. Catch Wesley off guard. I like Gunn. He reminds me of someone I know. Arrogant, noisy, childlike, tough, ready for action and cocky as hell. Gunn reminds me of Spike. But not William.

"Gunn you are not helping. We need to think about this carefully. Spike could be playing us for fools and just waiting to jump up and kill us all." Yeah, sure. That's why he was just collapsed outside earlier. He knew that Gunn and his crew knew me and that they would bring him here. Despite the fact that I've never told him anything of who I work with or what I do.

"He won't." I hear Fred comment quietly. I look over and she's holding onto a piece of paper like her life depended on it. Honestly she probably thinks that it does. Cordy's gone over and asked what this is about. "I did some tests. All of the signs that I found on Spike indicate that he has suffered from severe head trauma. The signs all point to a type of brain damage."

"But there was no injuries on his head." Cordy points out and looks at the graphs and phrases scribbled on the paper in her friend's hands. "And vamps don't suffer from brain damage. Do they Angel?" I shake my head and wander over to see what Fred's going on about.

Wesley's looking at the screen of the computer she had abandoned not long before and is now scrolling down the pages. "Fred this is medical records and symptoms. What were you going to diagnose Spike with?"

"A type of brain tumour. It seems to be a type of aneurysm in the brain that's causing him harm. But..." She trailed of uncertainly and shuffled the papers in her hands.

"But vampire's don't get sick. We don't get cancer or tumours or illness of any kind." I add. She nods and Wesley's doing a rather good Giles impression. You know, that thing when he takes off his glasses and cleans them over and over again until you think the lens will just fall out. Maybe one day they will. I think I'll laugh if that happens.

I'm not laughing right now. Fred's just told me that my youngest child is suffering from some sort of brain illness that he shouldn't have. When did my life become so complex? It used to be so easy. Maim, torture kill, cut a bloody path throughout Europe and have sex with Darla on a nightly basis. Where did it all go wrong?

Oh yeah that's right. When I got a soul.

"So what's wrong with him?" Gunn's asking again. He's stealing the questions form my lips. I need to find out what's wrong so I can make it better. My childe does not get sick. He will not get sick and weak and die. Spike is strong, bold, straightforward and direct. William even had a sense of strength around him. I refuse to be left with merely a shell of what my Childe is.

"We don't know." Wesley's confirming all my fears with three little words. Three little stupid insignificant words that mean the world to me because he didn't say that they could make it better.

"I can carry on running tests on him and keep an eye on how he is." Fred's shrugging and looking at me for confirmation. I nod curtly and let her scurry away with folders and files. Wesley looks at me for a moment before retiring to his books and closing the door.

"Hey man, I should go tell my crew," I knew it was a crew, "that Spike's got somewhere to stay. They should know." He smiles slightly and watches as Cordelia turns to me with her face screwed up in anger before turning to leave. He doesn't quite make it to the door.

"Stay? As in here!" she shrieks and stamps one of her pink shoe covered feet. I sigh and fight the urge to roll my eyes. That will get me nowhere. "In this hotel? Where we humans work? So he can kill us when our backs are turned? Why should we trust...Spike?"

I sigh again and keep myself from shaking her to get the thoughts into her head. "He wont hurt you Cordy. He has a chip in his head. It stops him from hurting humans. Okay? Now please just calm down and go home. We can talk about this when..."

"Spike." she says again and I'm pretty sure I know why now. The slight breeze that exists in big old buildings like the Hyperion suddenly picks up and I can smell it. I whirl round and see why she was repeating his name.

"Sire..." Standing about halfway up the staircase, where it's flat for about two steps, is Spike. He's leaning heavily on the banister and panting from the effort of getting there. I don't even need to think. Before long I'm up the stairs beside him and holding him up as his feet give out.

"Spike what are you doing here? You're meant to be in bed." I check him over quickly and support his head with my free hand so it doesn't hurt his neck. Honestly, he's like an over grown baby. My baby.

"Had to...had to see you." He whispers and looks straight into my eyes. He's in pain I can see that without even looking. And his scent is fogged with something else. The strawberries and cream smell is strong but intermingled with baking cake and peaches. That and insecurity. He seems smaller than usual and I feel like he could fit inside my clothes with me if he wanted.

"Why Spike? You need to rest. Come on, I'm taking you back upstairs." I go to take him in my arms like before but he struggles and whimpers before I can. Cordy's beside us and looking Spike over. I don't think she figured just how bad he was before. This isn't the Spike form Sunnydale; this is William in pain and crying out for his Sire.

"Did you kill it?" he whispers and grabs onto my shoulders to keep himself on his feet. I carefully slip one of my arms round his waist and keep him supported. He's not making any sense right now. I think it's from the blood loss. I'll have to feed him again.

"Kill what William? Kill what Precious?" I murmur and pull him closer so he doesn't feel so scared here. He needs me right now and by God he's going to have me. Cordy probably thinks I'm mad right now, but if she does she hasn't said anything.

"The demon. The monsters. I saw you fighting. Fighting when I was walking away." What?

"Fighting what demons? When Spike?" I'm finally bale to lift him quickly and start my way back upstairs. Cordy's jogging alongside me and holding Spike's head straight. Maybe she's not so bad after all.

"Before. When I saw you fighting. It was my first dream of you when I wasn't sleeping..." he whispers as I place him back on the bed and wrap my duvet tightly round him. He may be cold blooded but William likes to be warm. Trust me, I took him to Greenland.

"Okay my boy. We'll talk later when you're feeling better. Okay? You go to sleep now Precious and I'll come feed you soon." I brush a few stray hairs form his forehead and he purrs in response. I smile at the familiar noise. At least I know he's not too hurt if he can purr. Even before I shut the door on my way out I know he's asleep.

I'm met by Cordy at the door. She's looking anxious about something...wonder what...

"I think I know what's wrong with Spike..."

Dun dun dun... you want me to update? Well review then and I'll see what I can do.


	8. is painful

Spike's POV

Oh god I feel so crappy... My head's spinning and the room's too bright and shiny. Everything's hurting my eyes and I haven't even opened them. It's like someone's put a light bulb under each one of my eyelids and put them on full blast. It really hurts and I just want it to stop.

There's a pounding in my head and it feels like there's some imp in my brain hitting every chamber with a friggin sledgehammer before moving onto the pneumatic drill. There's also a dull buzzing there, but I can barely hear it over all this noise. Was there a flyer or something? Mosh pit in Spike's head, everyone invited?

I feel so sick.

I'm squeezing my eyes shut tightly to keep out more of the light and curling up tighter. I need to make it go away. Maybe if I make myself smaller it wont be able to find me? If I just stay here and ignore it it'll go away. That's what I do to Xander.

Speaking of Xander, where is he? I would have thought the bugger would have found me after I didn't come back. I mean, we're not friends or anything, but shouldn't someone be wondering where the bloody hell I am? I know the slayer wouldn't, or the witches, or my Nibblet, or the watcher, or Anyanka. But I would have thought that Xander would have been wondering where his verbal punch bag was.

Guess he really doesn't care about me. Not that I care that he doesn't care. I mean, what do you think I am? Human? I'm still evil. I hunt, I prowl, I drink, and I smoke. I'm a complete badass. Look at my clothing! ...Where is my clothing?

Okay, I'm dressed in a white tee shirt that's huge on me, some sweat pants that have managed to twist themselves down to round my knees and some big arse socks. Right, I'll just pull up those trews and cover myself. Somehow I don't think...oh shit. Angel. I'm in his clothes in his bed and he's not here.

Ow...my head hurts lots. I think it's me groaning as I roll over to snuggle more into the covers. Yes that was an evil being saying snuggle. Deal with it. It's so...nice in here. I don't care if it's my sire's and he'll just throw me out when he comes to his senses. It's warm and cosy and safe and snugly and just so...right.

I push my head deeper into the pillows and inhale the sire scent that blossoms from it. I'm such a nancy boy. I can't help the tears forming in my eyes as I think back to when this has happened before. Me in Angel/us' bed sniffing the pillows and rolling in his scent just so I knew I'd never forget it. Darla totally freaked when she found me.

Angelus had been gone for nearly three weeks and I'd never been left alone for that long before. The most Angelus had been gone before then was one night while he went out hunting. Then he'd come home, kiss me on the forehead, tell me all about his hunt and then we'd either talk throughout the night or he'd go screw Darla and come see me when I was asleep.

Anyway, Angelus had gone and I only had Darla and Dru for company. I know I loved Dru and everything, but this is before I liked her. This is when I was in my 'I'm being abandoned now that he's got his baby girl back' phase. That one lasted for about two years. So yeah, Angelus had gone, Darla was picking on me at every available opportunity and Dru was having a few visions of white mice. So to get away form her howling, Darla's criticising and the minions, I went and locked myself in Angelus' room.

I cried a lot in there. I wailed for him to come back to me and take me away from the bitch and crazy cow. I whimpered and sniffed and moaned and screamed and begged and pretty much let out every wimpy emotion I had in that room. Just because he wasn't there to hold me whilst I did. Of course, when he did come back he smelt him all over me and realised what I'd been doing. He carried me to my room that night and stayed with me so mine smelt just as safe as his.

But those days are over now. Angelus is gone and Angel wears his face. Hating me with every glance and...

Holy mother of God in hell!!!!!!

!"£$&()

Right...ow... I'm on the floor...how the bleedin hell did I get on the floor? Ow... okay, I don't care. Need Angel. Want my Sire. He'll know. Sire's smart and he'll look after me and get rid of this headache. God I ache all over, but my head feels like it's going to explode. I'll just crawl out of this room and go find him. He'll look after me. He has too.

I know I'm sniffling and practically using my arms to drag my body out the door, but I've made it to the hallway. Hopefully Angelus wont be too far away. I need him right now.

Wonder if he's okay? The demons he was fighting were really big and they looked like they meant business. There was blood everywhere and I could feel it on my hands and on my face...but when I looked there's nothing there but my white creamy skin. I don't understand my head hurts too much. I don't think I'm meant to understand.

It hurts so bad. I can barely open my eyes and I think I'm crying but I'm not sure. It's like someone's closed up my nose, mouth and eyes and I feel like I need to breathe but can't. My face feels closed and I desperately want Angelus. I want my sire.

I've got to find him. He can't be too far, before this happened I could smell him. I could feel him. It was like he was here but I don't know. It's all muddled up. He couldn't have been here, why would he be here? I don't know...ow...

Okay, Angel. Focus William. Focus. Right okay. Oh look a banister! Now if it stops wobbling I can use it to stand up and find him. Right, I've dragged myself over to it and I'm holding onto the base. Hey look, if I look through this gap I can see Angel. He's yelling. Oh he's yelling and it's loud and it hurts.

Maybe he's yelling about me. I don't like it when he yells. He used to be so nice and so quiet. He'd never yell or be mad, but then Darla came along and she ruined it. The bitch. I hated her. Hated her loads and I was gonna kill her but I couldn't coz she was older and now my head's hurting loads coz I can't breathe and I need to breathe coz I think I might die if I don't.

"Angel..." I manage to whisper but he's yelling too loud to hear me. I need to get closer. Okay, I'll just pull myself up and try and ask the room nicely to stop spinning.

Oh, go me. I'm standing up. Okay I'm hunched over but I'm not on the floor. Okay, think I'll hang onto the banister; its nice and not moving so much now. Okay, easy now, one foot in front of the other and shift weight.

Few steps down and...oh bugger...there's stairs... I can do this. I'm over a hundred years old for crying out loud. I'm not some toddler that needs training. But dear god I feel like it.

Maybe if I cry out he'll see me? No, can't cry. Then he'll yell at me for being a stupid little brat that can't look after himself. Okay I'll just go to him. I slowly make my way and manage to go down three steps without stumbling. However, the room soon starts spinning again and I think I'm gonna throw up. I'm not sure. I haven't thrown up in over a century so I can't remember how it feels like.

Thankfully I don't, doesn't mean I wont later, and I can go down another few steps to find the floor flattened out. Thank god. I think I'm gonna collapse here. Swaying slightly now. I don't know if it's the floor moving or me. Maybe it's both. Oh god this hurts...

Angel looks up at me and I need to ask for help because I'm going to faint here... "Sire..." Before I know it, my feet give out and I find myself being held up by two strong arms.

"Spike what are you doing here? You're meant to be in bed." Oh god he's mad at me again. I'm sorry sire. I'm so sorry but what if you'd been killed? What if those demons had ripped off your head and I'd be all alone again. Please don't be mad...

"Had to...had to see you..." I answer and I hope he won't drop me because otherwise I'll just fall down more stairs. I can't see very well and it's just like a huge sire smelling blur is keeping me safe and I'm so scared. I can't feel anything other than this pain.

"Why Spike? You need to rest. Come on, I'm taking you back upstairs." No don't move me. I came to find you, you great Poof now you will bloody well listen to me before I fall. Oh crap I'm gonna puke I know it... Okay, I'll just ask then he can take me back to his bed.

"Did you kill it?" I can't do anything but whisper or I'll up chuck. I'll just steady myself on his blurry shoulders and not fall in a heap. Oh that's good. He's wrapped his arms round my waist and I'm glad coz I think my feet are going to fall off.

"Kill what William? Kill what Precious?" He's pulling me closer and somehow it's easier to breathe. Fuck I want to sleep. I want to just curl up with him and feel how cool his skin is against mine. I'm burning in here. And my head...ow...

"The demon. The monsters. I saw you fighting. Fighting when I was walking away." It's true Angel. It really is. I saw you fighting when my head exploded in pain and it hurt so bad and there was this guy...

"Fighting what demons? When Spike?" Oh that's good. He's lifted me into his arms and whom the shitting hell's holding my head up? I don't care. Just glad someone is coz I sure as hell can't.

"Before. When I saw you fighting. It was my first dream of you when I wasn't sleeping..." yeah. Usually it only happens when I'm asleep and it doesn't hurt this bad. So I came to tell you to piss off and you make it worse.

Oh that's nice. I'm the bed again and he's wrapping me up and tucking me in like the baby I am to him. I want to sleep so badly but I feel so crappy. I don't think the pain will let me sleep anymore.

"Okay my boy. We'll talk later when you're feeling better. Okay? You go to sleep now Precious and I'll come feed you soon." Yeah. Okay. Feed me? No I wanna be fed now! Please? Hungry now sire... oh screw it feels to good to protest when he begins to stroke my hair. I'll just purr instead.

I'll just sleep here...

Oh fuck! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, owie, owie, owie! Angel!!! I want my sire. I want him so bad. Why isn't he here? Angel! Please come back. Please don't leave me here. I need you to hold me. Make it stop Angel. Please?

I wail loudly and before I know it he's there. In the bed with me unwrapping me from my cocoon of heat and sweat to hold me against his cool skin. God he's so cool. My head is splitting! I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Why am I trying to breathe? This is so hard! What did I do to deserve this? I haven't been that bad. Please make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop.

I can't stop writing about and it hurts so much. My head's burning inside and I can't stop it. It feels so bad. Angel! It's like something's trying to burrow into my head and it's drilling and drilling and drilling and it won't stop. Help me make it stop.

I can't hold still maybe if I move it'll stop. Please make it stop. Angel hold me. Hold me so tight I can't feel it. Hold me so tight that I can't feel the burning, just your skin. God your skin, it's so cool. Please don't stop touching me Angel. You're so cool and oh God Angel hold me.

I can't stop shivering as if I'm cold but I'm not and it's burning and I don't understand. Pictures keep flashing in here and I don't know what's going on. All I know is that I'm with Angel. I'm in his lap and he's saying something I can't hear and he's cool. So cold compared to me. Suddenly there's a lot more cold and it's all I can feel. It's all round me and he's here. Angel's here.

Oh God. I can feel it. He's holding me and the pain's burning so bad but I can only feel the heat inside and my outside is so cold and I think he's topless and I think he is moving but I don't know I don't know I don't know. Please don't leave me. Hold me. Cool me.

And he is and he's sitting up and I can't it's too hard. Hold me? Then there's something wet between us and it's moist and falling down his chest I think. I don't know. The he's holding the back of my head and I'm being pushed against him and it's easier to breathe when confined. Everything's mixed up and all the laws of everything are being flipped upside down and I want to be in England in 1881 and curled up in bed with Angelus talking about my dreams but I can't and oh god I think I'm going to die.

I feel the wet stuff hit my lips and I can't help but lick at it. It tastes so god...I think. I don't remember what good stuff tastes like. But oh god I think it's good. It's sticky and I can feel something in it that makes me want more. So I lick it up and mewl a little. Then there's more in my mouth and I can't help but choke on how good it tastes.

I swallow a little and it warms me inside again...but in a nice way. It only burns up top now and I can feel my hands and oh holy mother of all things holy my head! Ow! Arrgh! I can't...it's too much...Burning and pushing and pulling and cramping and making itself comfortable and I have to scream. I have to yell. I have to cry and moan and groan and whine and wail and whimper and show someone that it's too much so it might stop...

And it does...

!"£$&()

If you're like me and wondering what the hell just happened to make the pain stop, review and I'll think about writing more...please can I have some really long reviews? They make me smile a lot...and write faster.


	9. needs love

Angel POV

He was crying, wailing, moaning, screaming, whining and making pretty much every other animalistic sound you can think of when I got here. My poor boy was wrapped in my duvet on my bed and crying out for me like crazy. So I unravelled him and pulled him close to me. He was screaming in pain and actually crying. Spike barely ever cries. He was clinging to me like I was everything. It seemed that if he let go, he would fade away.

I'd been trying to keep him still for about five minutes and he was still crying like crazy. He was sweating and hot inside his nest he'd made. So I did the only sensible thing I could think of. If a vampire that was usually room temperature had a human temperature, then he needs to be cooled down. It just so happened that the coolest thing in the room was me.

So I'm on my bed with a lapful of wailing Spike. I'm holding him to my chest and trying to stop him from crying so hard. He needs to cool down but he's not. No matter how much I pull him against me, he's still as hot as a human. No, he's hotter. So I do the only thing I can think of right now. The only thing that has ever calmed William and Spike down before.

I cut my chest and watch as the blood dribbles down gently to rest on the groove between my pectorals. I pull my boy towards me and he moans loudly and tries to pull back. So I force him to drink. I pull his mouth towards my chest and feel him press his boiling skin to mine as he lets his mouth fill with my blood.

Before I know it he's stopped. No more moaning, no more crying, wailing, sniffling, groaning, whining or screaming. He's quiet. As if it's just as sudden for him as it is for me. He's still pressed against me. His lips are partly open as if he's asleep. But his eyes are also open, signifying he's not.

I realise I'm rocking us back and forth gently, like a parent rocks their baby. It seems so fitting. He's fully in my lap and looking scared and lost and so innocent he could be a newborn. I'm holding him like the world is depending on him. And god it feels like it to me.

I have to know what's just happened. From what I've gathered so far by the screams of pain and the cries of terror, it's not very nice. But if Cordy's right…well we'll see.

"Will?" I shift him slightly so he's sitting up more. I'm holding his head to my shoulder and I can feel he's not as hot as before. He's cooling down and soon he'll be better. "Will baby, how are you feeling?" He shifts and clings to my neck. Guess he's still feeling scared.

My poor boy. He's never been this scared in a century. Well, not since I was with him. Either that or he's become very good at hiding his emotions. And he is. I've seen it. He's been hurt, by me, by Dru, by everyone. And I don't think he's cried in over a hundred years.

"It's stopped…" He whispers to me and I pull him closer, if that's possible. If not, then I guess I just made him more comfortable. But what's stopped? The pains? The terror? What Spike? What's just stopped?

"What's stopped Precious?" I mutter into his ear and feel him shiver as my breath tickles against his skin. He's always been ticklish. He hated the fact that I found out, but I've never told a soul. Why would I? It's just one of those things I kept to myself all these years. It's something between William and me.

He pulls me closer to whisper in my ear, as if it's the world's greatest secret that he's about to tell me. "The pains…the ones inside my head. It's all stopped… and I don't know why but it has…" He shifts slightly and repositions himself in my lap. I make sure my arms are wrapped around his waist securely before moving to lay him back down on the bed. He keeps his arms round my neck and pulls me down with him, like a child that doesn't want to go to bed.

"Let me check you over. Fred said I have to. It might just be a fluke." He nods into my shoulder and I pull him away. Immediately he lays his head back into the pillow and pulls the duvet up to cover him more. It's as if he's embarrassed to let me see him. "Where about did it hurt before?" I ask and he slowly points to an area of his head.

"Here…but it was like it was inside my head…" he mutters and watches the duvet as I sit up straighter and put on my medics cap. I brush back the wavy curls of his hair and inspect his forehead closely. He sits as still as he can and picks at the duvet as I gently rub at the area and check for any damage.

"There's no scars or bruising." I tell him and pat his hair back into place. I softly rub my thumb back and forth over the area and move across to double check the rest of his head's okay. There's nothing. No physical signs or scars of anything happening to him. "How do you feel now? Any headaches?"

He shakes his head and that's a sign that he's feeling better if he can move without pain. "Just feel a little light headed. And confused, what happened to me Angel?" We're not sure at the moment baby. Cordy thinks she knows, but we need to check. She sounds like she might be right…and I'm sorry.

Hey, he called me Angel!

I feel like a proud father whose son has just called him dad for the first time. Spike barely ever calls me Angel. In fact, I don't think he's ever said it without sarcasm before… I'm so proud of him!

I think that's why he's looking at me like I've gone mad. I'm beaming like crazy and he's giving me a scared look. Maybe he thinks I'm Angelus? "We think we know what's happened to you, but we need you to tell us something first."

He nods and I can see he's feeling anxious as to what I'm going to ask him. He probably thinks that if there's nothing wrong with him, then I'll throw him out into the streets with no clothes, no blood and no hope. I would have…if I was that stupid and unsouled.

I settle myself on the bed next to him and he shifts away slightly as if I might attack. Okay I'll be honest; he has a right to think that. I have done that before and there's no reason he should trust me really. I've screwed him over more times than anyone else. "Spike, I need you to tell me the truth okay? When you were having the headaches, did you see anything in your head? Any pictures? Like a flashback in a film?"

He's picking at the duvet with both hands and nods slowly. "Yes." He looks so small compared to me. My clothes are huge on him and I think I could fit two of him in that tee shirt if I tried. I wait for more to come but he doesn't look like he's going to say anything.

"Yeah?" I see him nod and carry on, trying to be soothing and comforting at the same time. "So what did you see Spike?" I ask patiently. He looks away from me and I don't know why. I frown and reach out to turn him to face my direction. As soon as my fingers make contact with his skin he flinches away. "Spike? Tell me…"

"You'll think I'm crazy." He responds and I swear it sounds like he wants to cry. His throat sounds like it's about to close up and he sniffs slightly. "You'll laugh and tell me to get out." I reach out again and shift closer to him.

He instantly moves away and tugs at the duvet to cover more of his body. It's not like I haven't seen it all before. Of course, back then he liked me and didn't mind me touching him. Actually, come to think of it, I think he was usually the one begging me to hold his hand or something. I remember when we used to go out. Just him and me. We'd be out all night, and all throughout he'd hold onto my hand and follow me quietly.

Of course, when Darla and Dru found us again, my sire wouldn't let him hold my hand. So instead he would tag along behind clinging to the edge of my coat like a small child. Dru used to pout and whine at him at first, until I taught her otherwise. Darla got seriously ticked off with it, she thought I was paying more attention to my new baby and not enough to her. Which was true. So to keep them all happy, I would go out with the girls when William was sleeping, and then take Will out later and hold his hand.

Of course, it only worked because William was a weird fledgling. Usually vampires sleep at day and hunt all night. But William found it hard to adjust. He preferred to sleep half and half. He'd go to sleep mid afternoon and wake up around midnight ready to hunt. Of course, during the hours when the rest of us were sleeping he'd be reading or drawing quietly.

"Spike? Please." I sigh and watch him shake his head. "Please Spike, I want to help you. We want to help you." He looks up at that. Probably thinks I'm lying. No one's ever cared enough to help him before. Well… at least in this century…

He looks up at me with his crystal blue eyes and I can't help but smile at the trust I see there. No matter what happens, if Spike trusts you once, he's most likely to trust you forever. "Promise you wont throw me out?" I nod and he visibly reacts.

The posture becomes less defensive and he immediately lets go of his death grip on the duvet covering himself. He slouches back into the pillows and half closes his eyes in a gesture of relaxation. I find myself sitting side by side in bed with my childe. Who is also wearing my clothes and in my bed. Did I mention how weird this is?

He swallows and takes a deep unneeded breath to calm himself down. I wait patiently and pray that he wont say what I fear. "There were a lot of big demons." Oh that's never good. "They were big… and there was blood. Lots and lots of blood. And you were fighting and…and…" he turns away and fidgets with the duvet when I give him a confused look. "You think I'm mad don't you?"

"What?" I mutter and catch onto what he was saying. I was too busy thinking about what this means. Cordy hasn't had a vision for over three weeks, and now Spike turns up on my doorstep claiming that he has been seeing me in his dreams fighting demons. "No of course I don't think you're mad." I answer and pull him closer to me.

He's practically deflated. When I was with Spike a century ago, he was bright and bubbly. Always ready to do anything active. He was always full of energy and usually bouncing round the lair trying to find something to do. I used to have to find him things to keep him occupied before Darla staked him from annoyance. His tasks usually ranged from sorting the corpses into alphabetical order, to finding the cricket ball that I had hidden for him.

Back in Sunnydale when I was souled and he was the Big Bad, he was just as active as ever. Constantly breaking into anywhere just to have something to do. You think that the school parent's evening was for Buffy? For Spike to kill the slayer? That's a lie. He was merely looking for something to do. It just so happened that there was a decent fight available to him.

But now, now he's so small. I pull him onto my lap and he fits easily into the dip where I've crossed my legs. He's shaking again and I rub his back softly to show him I'm there. "What's wrong with me Angel?" he whispers as if it's wrong to ask. Like he should just take it and not pass judgement.

I can't believe the tone of his voice. It's so old. Spike sounds like a broken man. There's no life in him anymore. When I found out who has dared to hurt him, I will kill them. He's close to crying again so I cup the back of his head and bring it closer to my neck. Vampires find it comforting to be close to other people's necks. It's where you bite to make them and it's where you smell the most. So of course, it's the most comforting place for a scared vampire to be. Against the neck of their Sire.

"What's wrong with me?" I hear him utter the words again and can't help but feel cold. He thinks that there is something wrong with him. It hurts me to think that he thinks so little of himself. There is no Big Bad in him anymore. He's a young vampire with nowhere to go and no one to look after him. But that's about to change.

"There is nothing. Nothing. Wrong with you." I whisper into his ear to make him believe. Before he can shake his head and deny the truth, I lift his face to mine and gaze into those shattered blue eyes of his. They are wet with tears and I know that my brown ones reflect the same image as his. Gently, and trying to show just how wrong he is, I bring our faces closer and press my lips to his.

¬!"£$&()

Sorry it took so long to update guys, but I hope the ending will help you forgive me. It's taken me so long because I've been doing crappy coursework and being told how important it is to my final grade. So, obviously I've not had much time to update. However, it's the Christmas holidays soon and I think I could give you all a few chappys as a Christmas gift. If you could review and tell me what fics you want updated next, I would appreciate it. Thanks guys. And as Red would say, later dayz. Luv Higgy xxx.


	10. has trust

Angel's POV

"There is nothing. Nothing. Wrong with you." I whisper into his ear to make him believe. Before he can shake his head and deny the truth, I lift his face to mine and gaze into those shattered blue eyes of his. They are wet with tears and I know that my brown ones reflect the same image as his. Gently, and trying to show just how wrong he is, I bring our faces closer and press my lips to his.

He doesn't react straight away. I think he's about as scared as I am. To be honest, I'm scared, but Spike's terrified. I can only imagine the thoughts running through his head right now, but I'm sure they're running along the lines of, 'when's he going to hit me.' and it hurts. My baby is shaking and I can feel the tears running down his face so slowly.

It's as if we're stuck in time and nothing can touch us. Not now. Not ever. This moment is about us. I'm trying to show him how much this means to me. This isn't just about Spike. This is not about just making him feel better. This is about us. I need him to understand how much he means to me.

It feels like a lunar landing it's so precise. Exactly four seconds after I press my lips to his, he responds. Gently moving his lips against mine, so slowly and so gently as if he might break if it was any harder. I relax my grip around his waist in case he really does shatter. He's already broken inside; I don't think I could bear it if I broke him for real.

I follow his lead and close my eyes, just feeling. This is too much for more than one sense to deal with. So I'm going to only let myself feel him. Pressed against me, two sensitive lips pressed against mine, trying to go unnoticed in case I might snap. He's so small compared to me. He's just letting me kiss him. He's barely touching me, just so I wont push him away.

Eventually I have to. Well of course I don't have to. Because I don't have to breathe. But I do have to in case it's too much for him. He might be going mad thinking about what this means and I have to stop that. I'll only hurt him more if that happens. Immediately after I pull away I look to him, and find his face gazing intently at the sheets, mouth still slightly open and tears sliding gently down his face.

I sigh a little and reach out to him. As if it's a natural reaction to him, he pulls back and tightens his grip on the duvet cover. My fingers continue on their journey and let a tear fall onto my outstretched digit. It glistens there in the soft light of my room before spreading so much that there is nothing but a damp patch left on the tip of my finger.

I rub my moist fingers together and let my hand drop to the covers. I've got two choices now. Either talk to him about what just happened, or to change the subject. He must be trying to figure out what kind of game I'm playing. When I was Angelus I was always playing games with him.

Trying again I reach out and pat gently at his hair. It's so soft; like kitten's fur. He pulled away to begin with, but now I'm just stroking a few strands between my fingers to try and calm him down. I wonder what he's thinking right now. He's trying so desperately to deal with all this that I think he's forgotten to hide William. Since he's arrived that's all I've seen.

Eventually, after many minutes of stroking and petting, he looks up at me. And I mean up. I never realised how small he really was until now. He's practically half my size and about a head or so shorter. Of course, within his beloved Docs he wears a few layers of insoles to give him extra height. The duster helps. A long coat gives the illusion that he's taller than he really is.

But right now, sitting in my bed with tear tracks running down his face like he's a five year old, he's never looked smaller.

"Spike?" I whisper, but my voice still sounds like it's been magnified. He makes no response other than to shake his head slightly, as if he's denying his own name. "What's wrong? Why are you crying?" I ask. I really need to know right now. I can't bear to see my childe cry.

He continues gazing at the sheets and before I know it, he's trying to get up and out of the bed. Thin arms reaching out to swipe the covers from his lithe form, too small hands pushing them away as he sniffs and tries to search the floor for his own clothes. He shakes his head yet again and goes to tug off my shirt that he's wearing.

Before he can get as far as lift the hem, I've grabbed his hands to stop him. "You're clothes are soaked." I say evenly and calmly. He nods, but I don't remove my hands. He'll just reach for his boots, grab his still wet duster and then try to leave. Emphasis on try. "You're not well enough to go anywhere yet Spike." He shakes his head and tries to pull away, my larger hands don't even let him move.

"'M fine." He whispers and gives up trying to pull himself free. He's looking down at the floor and not at me. I can't let him go. Not now. "Why did you do it?" he asks just as quietly. I knew we'd have to talk about that kiss. There are tears in his voice and I can't bear to see them fall, so I sit deciding on my answer first.

"I don't know." And it's the truth. I honestly don't know. It just seemed like the right thing to do. All I was thinking was about making you feel better Spike and I thought I could by kissing you. All I could think about was how much pain you were in and the only way I could fix it was to kiss you and try to take it away physically.

He nods and decides against the leaving. He pulls his legs back onto the bed and sits next to me quietly. We sit in silence as we think about it. I know what I feel for him. I think. He's my childe. I'm meant to look after him and this is how I know how. To take him in and take the pain myself. "Do you regret it?"

"No." it's natural. Everything I've done to Spike I've done intentionally. Whether it was bad or good, it's always been about what's best for him. I decide to tell him just what's going on to him. So that we're even. He can't trust me if I keep secrets from him. "You are having visions."

He looks back up at me and shrugs. I can see why. This all means nothing to him. He just came to find his sire because he had a problem, and he's being told that he's having visions. Of course he won't have a clue what's going on. I haven't told him anything for the few years we've been in the same state. "What does that mean?" he mutters back and brushes a hand through his hair. It sticks up more and I immediately reach out to smooth it back down. He doesn't pull away.

"The headaches that you have been having, the dreams and everything, they're sent by the powers that be." I explain slowly so that he doesn't miss anything in his state. "Cordy used to get them so that she could tell me who was in danger and where I had to go to help save them." He nods.

"But why me?" his eyes have closed and he's leaning into my touch slightly now. if he wasn't so distressed I have no doubt that he would be purring. "What's so special about me? Did Cordy die?" he whispers the last part. He must be so confused; Cordy was here when he was brought in a few hours ago.

"No. Cordy's fine but she hasn't had a vision for a few weeks. Doyle used to have visions before her, but before he died he kissed Cordy and gave them to her. It was accidental but it happened." I explain. As soon as the last sentence is out of my lips, he opens his eyes and looks into mine desperately.

"I didn't kiss Cordy. I swear I didn't Angel…" he utters fast and desperately. I nod and hush him quietly. I know he didn't but it seems important that he explains this.

"I know you didn't. She was getting sicker as the visions went on, and I guess that the powers wanted another demon to carry them. Humans couldn't cope; they're not strong enough. So they must have chosen someone stronger to carry them for me." he looks back down and plays with the hem of my tee shirt.

"But why me?" his eyes are closed again and I wonder if he's trying not to cry anymore. "I'm not strong. I can't even defend myself from humans no more." I know. I've known for a while. Giles told me and I wanted to come and get you but you would have hated me if I made you seem weak in front of Buffy and the others so I didn't.

I immediately shake my head in disagreement. "You're not weak. You're still the same strong Spike I've always known." I don't add the 'and loved' at the end just in case it's too much too fast. He knows I love him…I think. But I'm starting to think differently myself. What if it's not the sire/childe love bond I've been telling myself it is for all these years?

"But still," I notice that he doesn't make comment on my last analysis, "Why me?" I sigh and run my hand through my hair. I'm still slightly damp from earliers Spike rescue mission, but I can't seem to care. My hand creeps up to rest on his shoulder in a comforting father figure way whilst we talk about this.

"I think that the powers needed someone who I could trust. Someone stronger than human that they knew wouldn't let me down." He laughs weakly at this, but soon stops as it threatens to turn into a cough. I smile down at him and my fingers play with the tips of his hair. "Someone like you."

He sits a little straighter and looks proud for about a millisecond before his smile falls and becomes a worried face again. I've never seen him show so many emotions in one night. This is beginning to get scary. "You need to guide me." I whisper in his ear gently. He shrugs again and looks up. He's always been looking up to me.

When he was younger and human, everyone made fun of his looks. Just because he was shorter than the other men his age, meant he was weaker. Well, safe to say we showed them. If they could see the files on Spike now, they'd have no idea that it was the same person. He's so different to me. Small, agile, blond, cute, childish. I love every quality he owns. And I didn't create any of those qualities. Those are pure William shining though the layers he uses to hide himself.

"How? I don't know how these vision thingys work…what if I get it all wrong and fail?" he looks so vulnerable it's taking all of my will power not to let out a girlish exclamation and hug him tighter to me.

"Every time you get a vision, it's the powers that be giving you the information to help me fight the good fight save the innocent. You'll get a headache, but be able to see what demons will be attacking who, when, where and sometimes why."

Because he does use layers. He hides himself away beneath layers and layers of anger, hate and loathing towards William, because he's scared. Even when he was old enough to go hunting on his own, he still wanted me to go with him. New punked up attitudes and clothing to hide away to scared little boy I turned all those years ago.

He flinches when you touch behind his left ear. It doesn't matter if you're his best friend (even though I don't think he's ever had one) and he trusts you completely, he hates it. I'm not quite sure what happened to him, but I think it involved his father, a drinks bottle and an argument. But he showed me it once. I brushed past it accidentally whilst combing his hair, and he shivered before bolting across the room. I asked why and he just pulled back his hair, showed the scar, told me that he'd brush that area of hair and we left it at that.

"Okay…I'll try my best." He whispers back and shivers. I smile at bury my nose and mouth in the top of his hair. It smells so perfectly old and yet innocent at the same time. Innocence is Spike. Strawberries and cream. Pure perfection is shown through his smell. Most demons smell of blood, dirt and tar. A sticky pollutant substance that contaminates and destroys. He's just strawberries and cream. And he's alone.

I ruffle his hair again before leaving him on the bed and grabbing an old hoody of Gunn's that was too small for him. Spike sits up and lifts his arms like a small child as I lift the grey hoody above his head. Soon his arms are in and I'm tugging it over his head and smoothing out the creases to check that he's warm enough. We have to go downstairs so my friend's and he can have a proper introduction and I don't want him to be cold. He looks up again with his innocent blue eyes and I can see the smile in them, regardless of the fact that there is no smile on his face.

And I'm thinking of kissing him again.

This has got to mean something right? He's told me some things that even his own mother didn't know about him. I know a lot of things that he hasn't told Drusilla, or Penn or anyone else. If he trusts me so badly and doesn't threaten to kill me in case I tell, surely there's trust? The fact that he's lying in my arms right now, isn't that trust? I kissed him and he didn't pull away, isn't that trust? He's here.

It's got to be trust.

¬!"£()+

I did it! it took a while, a lot of swear words and some screaming, but I got there. I'm sorry it's taking so long to update, but I'm so proud of this fic I want it to be just perfect. Can I have some long reviews? Hopefully with some one-liners or small things that they can do? I'm okay with a plot, but it's the small details I'm having problems with. Maybe just a small descriptive piece between Spike and one of the AI crew? I don't know how they'd react. Thanks everyone. Later.

Higgy.


End file.
